When Archangels Breathe Fire
by HazyDandelion
Summary: Michael and Lucifer are in rehabilitation, Gabriel is trying to help out, Malibu rum is involved. Wacky hi-jinx ensue. Written in thirty minutes while cooking dinner and based off a prompt. Enjoy the crack. Rating for language.


***Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or its characters, I just like to make them do stupid things. Short crack!fic based on a prompt.

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><p><strong>When Archangels Breathe Fire<strong>

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><p>When Gabriel came in with a bottle of Malibu rum the approximate size of his head, Michael knew this was going to end badly. His first instinct was to just explode it and maybe Gabriel as well, to be on the safe side. His second, more rational, thought was to just leave but he couldn't do that anymore than he could've exploded the rum. (Or his pesky little brother.) That was the problem with being grounded.<p>

"What is that for?" he asked, suspicion in every ounce of his voice.

Gabriel grinned at him and wagged his eyebrows. "It's part of your therapy, bro. I've been placed in charge of showing you why the world's worth saving."

"That's what I was trying to do," Michael said. He glared at the bottle of rum.

"No," Gabriel said, all hand gestures and ADD, "What you were trying to do was take everything fun and interesting out of it."

He waved the bottle in Michael's direction.

"Like rum."

"I am not drinking that."

"Oh, I think you are."

"No."

Gabriel arched a brow at him and crossed his arms. "It's this or another one of Cas's lectures about personal space."

Michael's previous defiant demeanor crumpled and was replaced with a look of abject horror. Castiel's lectures about all the things he had learned from the Winchesters were notorious. The few Michael had been forced to sit through were almost enough for him to want to rip his grace right out. He looked from the bottle to Gabriel's smirking face.

"You win but I want to get…uh…"

"Completely wasted. I got you covered, bro."

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><p>"I just…don't…see why they… Uh. They aren't trees!" Michael waved his arm, some of his drink sloshing over the rim of his cup. Gabriel just nodded, feet propped up on the table. "He did it on purpose, to confuse people. Trees have branches, Gabriel! BRANCHES!"<p>

"Right. Got it. Palm trees aren't actually trees due to a lack of branches."

"How are the monkeys supposed to swing from them? Lack of foresight, that's what that was."

"I don't think there are monkeys in Hawaii."

Even drunk out of his mind, Michael still was able to make a very good 'How dumb are you' face. "Of course there are, it's an island."

"How silly of me," Gabriel snorted into his glass. "You ever been there?"

"I didn't have time for trib…tivi…trivial pursuits like you."

"You should check it out! Surfing, beaches, girls in bikinis, luaus."

"What's a luau?"

"It's a party. They have great food, hula dancing, fire-breathing. Things like that."

Michael sat for a moment and thought all of this over. Trust Gabriel to enjoy something like that. He was probably behind it. People breathing fire, he thought, really now.

"Wait. They _breathe_ fire?"

"Oh yeah."

"_How?_" He was incredulous.

"Well, you get a torch and some flammable booze then you basically spit the booze out at the torch and voila! Instant dragon." Gabriel giggled at the thought. The idea that he may have drank too much crossed his mind but it was fleeting and besides, what Michael was saying was insistently more interesting.

"You want to try it?" Gabriel asked, trying hard to contain his glee.

"If a human can do it, surely an archangel can!"

"Definitely! I bet you could do it better than anyone. I can't. I bet even Lucifer couldn't…" Michael narrowed his eyes.

"Of course he couldn't," he said. Gabriel just nodded seriously, hiding his growing grin behind a hand.

Michael tried to jump up out of his chair but succeeding only in landing face first on the table. He slowly pushed himself to his feet and looked around the room as if he wasn't sure it wasn't going to move on him. Gabriel had been there.

"I need…uh…"

"I got you covered, bro." Gabriel was nowhere near drunk enough to not be able to summon up a bottle of Everclear. He passed it over to Michael and settled back to watch the show.

"Stand back," Michael said with a sweep of his free hand. He took a swig of the alcohol and promptly spit it out.

"Impressive range but you forgot the fire." Michael shot his brother a glare.

"Test run," he said, slightly slurring his words together. He snapped his fingers and his hand was instantly engulfed with flames. Standing in what was almost a sumo wrestler stance, Michael took another drink from the bottle.

What happened next, as Gabriel would tell it later, was like that part in the movie where it suddenly goes to slow motion and you know something either amazing or terrible is going to happen. Gabriel thought it was pretty amazing, personally. The moment Michael lifted his flaming hand to his mouth, the door to the room was flung open and Lucifer came barraging in. He hadn't been so lucky to avoid the lecture and was in an even fouler mood than typical. The look on his face went from anger to confusion and back to anger in the span of seconds.

"Michael! What – " That was as far as he got. Michael was completely focused on what he was doing and didn't realize his brother was standing in the, quite literal, line of fire until it was too late.

Lucifer got the blast of fire right in the face.

"Oh, sh-shit," Michael coughed.

"Brother…" Lucifer was fuming.

He was also on fire.

"Hey, Luci?" He turned his head slowly to face Gabriel. "I think your wings are on fire."


End file.
